by, Renee Wood

I thought with the pandemic raging across America, racial unrest, getting through the DNC, RNC and now in the middle of the postal vote-by-mail debacle, along with discovering our current President has very little respect for the men and women who are willing to serve and die for this country – I thought readers could use a bit of comic relief.

During this time when the pandemic allows little room for “social distancing” among people one lives with, particularly family members, things can get a little tense I’ve heard.  Before the time of the pandemic, my husband, Floris and I both were retired, but still did work from home.  My public servant obligations took me from home 3 hours one-way to Columbus OH, 3 or 4 times a month, with 1 or 2 of those being overnight stays.  So we were used of being together 24/7 with a few breaks, which we both enjoyed.  No matter how compatible a couple may be, time apart can be healthy.  This is not because you’re sick of each other (although that can be the case when locked-up together for 6 months), but more because couples need new experiences and perspectives to share with one another.  It keeps the relationship fresh and growing, rather than rehashing old stories for the umpteenth million time.  Not to worry, just experiencing the daily antics of the current President gives Floris and me plenty of “new material” to discuss!

I have to say Floris and I are lucky in that we’re more compatible than many couples, so being in close proximity to each hasn’t been that bad – I don’t think we’ve even had a real fight, as in screaming match.  Of course, that’s not how we “fight” anyway, when I get upset it’s usually because he doesn’t “listen” to what I asked.  Let’s be clear, it has little to do with the ability to “hear”, but him reformulating my words in his head and conjuring up what he thinks I want (over thinks it).  Or gets lost in his own thoughts and just totally forgets what I said in less than 2 minutes – yes I get irritated!

This morning, beautiful day, my attendant has me up, bathed and dressed, me and her were about to go out into the garden to pick some veggies.  Floris asked what I wanted to eat, and I said “Those leftover mashed potatoes and sauerkraut, but no sausage (plant-based)”.  My attendant puts the leftovers on the counter for him to dish out and put in the microwave and I said, “Remember, pick the sausage out of the kraut (it was big chunks so it was easy enough) and put the kraut on the potatoes”.  Just the night before we talked about how kraut on my potatoes helps my taste buds since the chemo is making it difficult to taste and I don’t want to eat.  So when we get back in, here’s the mashed potatoes heated on the plate with 4 little chunks of sausages next to it.  I asked “Where’s the kraut”?  (We were in the garden 15 minutes at the most, and he was eating cereal when we came in).  He simply innocently replied “I ate it”.  Reminding him of the conversation he says “Oh that’s right – sorry”.  When I get irritated I tend to get sarcastic and snarky, and when you put them together with my quick wit and vocabulary – you get a whole new attitude – sarcky-bitch!  I never need to swear when I get angry I have too many clever words.  We have our tiffs, but usually end up laughing because we both tend to be comedians.  I feel sorry for my attendants who try to stay out of it, but just bust out laughing at some point because the way we argue truly is comedy.

We are luckier than most during this time of little public engagement.  Ten years ago we bought this 1,800 sq. ft. house all on one floor.  The 20 X 16 family room in the back of the house became our office space that easily accommodates both of our offices.  Then upfront we have a 16 X 14 living room.  In between office and living room is the kitchen and dining room.  So the office and living room are 26ft apart, which is a lot of space between someone working and someone watching a movie.  Our bedroom is very remote alongside the living room and dining room, and is huge 24 X 14.  When Floris isn’t in his workshop in the summer, he’s watching movies, reading, googling or napping in our comfortable bedroom.  I really worked on the décor and I think it’s a calming space.

Unfortunately, in the winter our dining room is large enough to serve as a mini workshop so projects end up in the dining room which does not please me, especially when he’s got that stupid drill going!  But I am glad he keeps busy in the winter, and that our dining room is large enough for him to work on one side.  However, Floris isn’t the neatest or most organized person, so has to be reminded when his shit starts to encroach the area, “If you don’t move your junk, I’m going to have to shit on the floor”.  Or, if I’m nice I’ll say, with just a tinge of sarcasm, “Honey, in case it slipped your mind, I use a wheelchair, so therefore can’t walk over your …jun/cra/shi… stuff to use the bathroom”.  As soon as mid-March hits, I start bugging him to take it back to the garage!

We’ve added over the years a 12 X 14 “garage”, which is actually a workshop/man cave/extra storage that I mentioned above, and a 12 X 15 sunroom off the front of the living room.  This makes the house now 70 ft. long and 28 ft. wide – a total of 1,960 sq. ft.  When one is in the office, they cannot hear or observe the bedroom or sunroom.  We really do have our own space and privacy apart in this house.  On some days, once I’m fed and set-up at my computer, usually about 12:30 or 1, we may not even see one another til 7:30 when I need to pee and eat.  That’s rare that it’s that long, but it’s usually 5:30 or 6.  After we eat and stuff, we go do are separate stuff til about 10, then we see more of each other and talk.  Many evenings one, or both of us are in the sunroom having a beer, listening to music and enjoying the evening.

During this pandemic, it’s crucial that family members have their own space that they can be alone.  But also a space and time to gather, talk, laugh and “be present” with one another.  A routine not only helps the time go by, but helps individuals accomplish tasks such as; school work, work projects, writing/art/hobbies, or home improvement projects.  Accomplishing something every day, no matter how large or small, improves self-esteem and self-motivation.  It’s equally important to have a time to share these successes, failures and frustrations and receive appropriate feedback from those you love and trust so you don’t feel like you’re in this alone.  Because we are in this together – no matter how long it takes!

Some exchanges with a significant other one might consider when things get a little crowded:

Don’t say, “Get the fuck away from me”!

Say; “Time for me to go to my alone place”.

 

Don’t say, “Dude, your voice is irritating the shit out of me right now. You’re just talking to be talking”!

Say; “Isn’t it time for our quiet now”?

 

Don’t say during a meal that your spouse cooked; “Didn’t I see you put this in the compost last night”?  Or “What the hell is this shit”?

Say; “I’m not very hungry – it’s too bad it’s probably really good”!

 

Don’t say, “Sex again!?  Can’t you think of anything better to do – it gets monotonous after 4 times a day”?

Say; (women) “I think I’m preggers”!  Or say, “Hold that thought. Sorry, I got to poop bad”!

I don’t know what men would say because I just can’t imagine them not taking every opportunity for sex.

 

Don’t say, “Can you stop watching movies all day and get off your butt and do something productive”?

Say; “Wouldn’t you like a little change of pace?  Let’s go work in the garden”.

 

Don’t say, “You should where your mask all the time honey, you look better”.

Say nothing and get marriage counseling.