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A Parody on Trump’s Coronavirus Excuses

by, Renee Wood

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Closing borders to China – just another shiny object for the President’s supporters to focus on so they don’t see any of his disastrous mistakes during the 2020 COVID-19 that lead to more deaths than needed to be! I’d be rightfully fired from a job if I kept bringing up one positive action I did 5 months ago, when there was so much more I needed to do, and could have done since, to mitigate the situation.

Boss; “Renee that forest fire burning out of control – was that that small one that started in January”?

Me: “Yeah, Remember I dumped water on it and reported that it was going out and you said it was a good job I did”?

Boss: “So what did you do to ensure it continued to dwindle”?

Me: “I told the locals to keep an eye on it and put water on it if it flares up”.

Boss: “What resources did you give the locals to fight it”?

Me: “Well, it’s their community, they need to come up with their own. I graciously gave them a couple pails, showed them the river and gave my personal cell if they needed a pep talk if it got difficult. They were so ungrateful boss. They wanted more from me like water tankers, fire resistant suits and other stuff like walkie-talkies so they could communicate where they were with one another and how bad it was there! So ungrateful! I even told them not to look so hard for the fires to put out and it won’t be that bad! You know boss if you don’t look at the fire –it’s not there! It’s like magic, it just goes away”!

Boss: “A pail!  Didn’t you have a budget in case a fire like this happened?  And didn’t your predecessor leave some stock of equipment?  I know he didn’t leave enough, but that was 3 years ago when he left, didn’t you add more equipment stock?  Also, didn’t your predecessor leave a manual of what should be done in a widespread wildfire over vast number of states?  Did you employ what was in that manual?  I believe he also set-up a sub-department in your department in case this happened, which was predicted to be 5 years and it’s 5 years! Where’s all the preparation”?

Me: “I alone can handle it!  My predecessor – I didn’t like him much, so I dismantled that department, it’s just not necessary I got it under control early when I put that water on the fire!  Remember, you said I did a good job.  I tell ya it was just beautiful, just beautiful the way that fire went almost out.  I’ll tell ya, just like pissin’ butter on a petunia – thit – and it’s, ya know?

They started to have a fire in China before ours, so the stock piled equipment I sent over there.  Now I call it the ‘China fire’ because it started there, then caught on over here.  I told the locals it was there responsibility to find the equipment – I’m their cheerleader, ya, ya go get that tanker! And don’t look at me to pay for it if you find some.  That manual – I just tossed it.  It was too long and complicated.  I know what to do – I have it all up here (pointing to my head) – that’s all I need. The budget wasn’t necessary since it’s the responsibility of the locals, so you know that beautiful wall – I built 5 new feet of it.

Boss: “Renee, there’s 195,000 people dead because of the fire, and millions more displaced, not to mention the economic damages to businesses having to close, couldn’t you have done more to curb the spread of the fire!  Did I hear you put many lives in danger drawing crowds close to the fire without encouraging them to where protective equipment – hell I heard you didn’t where any yourself!  What’s wrong with you?!

Me: “Well boss,I suggested using a little kerosene on the fire because, you know, it removes nail polish like that – almost instantly – I thought we could at least try something like that.  But those who support me, claimed I was joking, and the firefighting professionals just looked at me like I was crazy!  I even tried baking powder on my own stove and it never caught fire, and didn’t do any damage.  I thought we could sprinkle baking soda everywhere to prevent the fire, even people who are on fire to mitigate the damage, and in some cases save lives.  But those scientists, they are hard core, I’ll tell ya, they said baking soda works on some things, but not this.  They said they tried it on some areas and it made things worse, or didn’t help at all.  They discontinued its use just to make me look bad.  When I poured that water on it early that was a good thing I did that – it would be much worse by now.  Pouring that water on it early, everyone criticized me especially those nasty tree huggers – said I was wasting environmental resources!  Now they’re praising me for acting early – but they’re never satisfied – just want more and more from me.

As for the business, yeah that’s horrible – bad for the stock market.  I told States to open the burnt businesses by sweeping up the ashes, put deodorizers up, and in places where it’s raging, just gut through it and don’t look for fires, just get the economy going that’s what’s important.  It’s only the weak, elderly and disabled who can’t outrun the fire.  People die – it is what it is.  Now the States want me to put flammable suit mandates in place to protect its people in dangerous areas.  It’s freedom – if the individual don’t see the need we shouldn’t force them!  My supporters come because they love me!  They say if we burn and die, so be it –It’s God’s will.  I give fire retardant jumpers at the rallies and they won’t wear ‘em.  That’s not my fault.  As for my risk of harm, I greet my supporters on an airport tarmac in front of my jet.  The fire can’t get close enough before I get the hell out of there!

I’m tellin ya boss, these fires are going to go away just like magic, there gone – you’ll see everything is under control – I’ll promise ya that – it’s dying out like something you’ve never seen before – so beautiful”!

Boss: “Renee, it’s just like magic – suddenly, out the blue – YOU’RE FIRED”!