by, Renee Wood

Read time 3 mins.

Who’s Really the Boss?

Some of you might be too young to remember the 1980s sitcom “Who’s the Boss?” starring Tony Danza. It started with a twist: a former baseball player, injured and widowed, takes a job as a housekeeper to support his daughter. Over time, the show became less about cleaning and more about control—who really held it, who thought they did, and what happened when those lines blurred. That’s the tension I want to talk about.

In the disability service system, we’re often told that individuals with developmental disabilities—and their families—are “the boss” of their own lives. It sounds empowering. But let’s be honest: it’s a slogan, not a reality.

A true boss is a steward of the vision. They don’t micromanage, but they do have the authority and insight to step in when, or before, things go off course. They surround themselves with people they trust—but they don’t disappear. They delegate, but they stay accountable. When things go wrong, the boss is the one who answers for it. When things go right, they give credit to the team—but the vision is still theirs.

Now ask yourself: when a person with DD ends up in the court system because of a bad decision—who’s held accountable? Is it the individual? Not usually. It’s the system that gets scrutinized. The provider. The guardian. The case manager. And when something goes right—when a person with DD achieves a goal or lives a dream—who gets the credit? Often, it’s the team. The agency. The support staff. The system. That’s not how it works for real bosses.

And let’s not confuse being a boss with being authoritarian. A good boss doesn’t rule with fear or control. But too often, the system does. It decides where we live, who we can see, what we can do, and how we spend our time and money for our services. It calls that “support,” but it feels a lot more like management—of us, not by us.

So if we’re going to keep saying that people with DD are “the boss” of their lives, we need to reckon with what that really means. Because right now, the power isn’t up for grabs—it’s locked down in a system of regulations, risk aversion, and patronizing slogans. “You’re the boss” is often said with a smile, but it’s rarely backed by structural authority. And unless we take deliberate action to reclaim decision-making, accountability, budget authority, and credit, the title remains symbolic. The truth is: we’re not the boss. Not yet. But we can be—and I’ll show you how.